Connection Over Compliance

5-Minute Read

Let’s talk about co-regulation.

Something I continue to see working in elementary schools is what happens when one of my autistic students becomes dysregulated and needs support.

Many of my students, when dysregulated, will sit on the floor until they’re able to regulate their nervous system. And what I’ve noticed is this: the way the adults around them respond often determines how long it takes for the student to regulate.

Traditional therapy practices often follow the rule of ignoring the “behavior” until it stops and then reinforcing the “positive behavior” of calm, regulated emotions afterward.

Ignoring the behavior usually looks like standing around the student, looking down at them, and watching them cry. And what I want to ask is - does that sound regulating to you?

When I’m crying and overstimulated, I want someone to sit next to me and tell me it’s okay to cry. Or just leave me be. Either one.

The message we send when we stand and wait for a child to be “done” is that their crying is an unwanted behavior. That their dysregulation is undesirable. And that is not okay.

When our students are dysregulated, they need to be validated in what they’re feeling and supported in co-regulating those feelings. Not ignored.

So what should the protocol be during moments of dysregulation?

First, we need to pause and remember: dysregulation is not defiance. It is a nervous system response. It’s not something a student is choosing. It’s something they are experiencing.

And sometimes, dysregulation is communication. They might be telling you they’re overwhelmed. Or that they want to say no. This might be the only way they can say it. Children don’t react for no reason; we just need to keep asking why.

Step one: Check your own regulation first. If you’re escalated, frustrated, or feeling panicked, your nervous system is going to set the tone. Co-regulation doesn’t happen if the adult is also dysregulated. Take a breath. Ground yourself. Then approach.

Step two: Create safety. This doesn’t mean rushing in with a solution. It might look like lowering your body to their level, softening your voice, and letting them know they are safe. No demands. Just presence.

Model the language you’d want them to use. You might say something like, “I’m mad,” or “I don’t want to go outside.”

Or you can support them by saying, “I see that you’re sad,” or “Thank you for telling me you need a break. Let’s take a break.”

Step three: Respect their needs. Some students want closeness. Some want space. Some want deep pressure or a fidget or a quiet corner. Some just want to cry and know they’re not being judged for it. It’s okay if they don’t tell you with words; you can learn their cues over time. Co-regulation often means honoring what the student needs without expecting immediate change.

Step four: Stay consistent. One dysregulated moment is not the time to introduce a new strategy or teach a lesson. The goal isn’t to “fix” it in the moment. The goal is to be the calm in their storm. To help their body feel safe enough to return to baseline.

We don’t need compliance in these moments. We want connection. That’s what builds safety. That’s what allows them to take communication risks and use new strategies later on, when their nervous systems can handle it.

Co-regulation isn’t about perfect scripts or magical calm-down tools. It’s about relationships. It’s about showing up over and over again in a way that says, “You are safe to feel any emotion. And that emotion will be honored no matter what.”

Because in the end, it’s not about stopping the dysregulation - it’s about showing up for our students in the moments when they need us most.

~Chloe